An Open Letter of Gratitude (and Scathing Indictment) to the Mainstream Media

To the esteemed purveyors of “news” at the nation's leading publications and broadcast networks,

We write to you today with a heart overflowing – overflowing, that is, with a potent cocktail of bitter disappointment, simmering rage, and a profound, sarcastic gratitude. Yes, gratitude. For without your tireless efforts, your unwavering commitment to… let’s call it “creative journalism,” Donald Trump might not be enjoying his second term as… well, let’s not dignify it with the word “President” just yet. Let’s say “Supreme Leader.”

We, the suffering citizens of this once-proud nation, want to thank you profusely for your invaluable contribution to this… unique chapter in American history. You truly outdid yourselves. Remember those countless hours spent “humanizing” Trump, meticulously crafting narratives that somehow transformed a man whose public appearances consistently resembled a toddler’s tantrum into a figure of strength and gravitas? Masterful.

And the contrast! The breathtaking double standard applied to Kamala Harris! While every perceived flaw, every momentary hesitation, every perfectly normal human characteristic was dissected and analyzed under a microscope, Trump’s blatant falsehoods, documented instances of corruption, and alarmingly unstable behavior were… well, let’s just call it “water under the bridge.” Truly, a feat of journalistic… balance.

Your rigorous – or perhaps, lax – fact-checking was also a key ingredient in this delicious recipe for national disaster. Allowing statements about immigrants bordering on outright xenophobia to go unchecked? Brilliant! The resulting rise in hate against immigrants? Purely coincidental, of course.

We especially appreciate your subtle (and not-so-subtle) dismissal of anything pertaining to actual policy. Who needs detailed analysis of the potential economic ramifications of his actions when you can focus on the latest outrageous post on Truth Social or X.com? And let’s be honest, Kamala Harris discussing complex issues just wasn’t as… entertaining as Trump's daily eruptions. Ratings are ratings, after all. We understand. *slow clap*

Now, as we watch the slow, agonizing dismantling of everything we hold dear – DEI initiatives, the social safety net, the very fabric of democracy itself – we can only marvel at the spectacle you’ve created. Thank you for the compelling headlines, thank you for the record-breaking (not) viewership numbers. You’ve given us a front-row seat to the demolition of our nation, and for that, we are eternally… indebted.

You played a crucial role. Don't try to deny it. The destruction of our democracy had a significant assist from the media's relentless pursuit of ratings and sensationalism. Own it.

Sincerely (and not at all sincerely),

The American People (and the rapidly dwindling vestiges of our democracy).